Ah, the stories we tell ourselves!

Why are the stories we tell ourselves about our partner so dangerous? There are several reasons. Usually, the assumptions we make about others are negative, so that’s the first problem. The second problem is that we don’t reality check them out with our partner. So, the negative beliefs take root and quickly turn into confirmation biases that secretly seek out validation while avoiding evidence to the contrary. You see, the brain likes to analyze a situation once and quickly decide what it is. This process goes faster than you might think. Once it has its idea (“My partner is trying to hurt me”), it will stick to it by amassing more proof about its theory by cherry picking information that corroborates with its notion. It will simultaneously justify and ignore information to the contrary that could argue against its theory. We see in our partner exactly what we expect to see, so be careful what you decide to see.