be careful of the precedents you set at the beginning of the relationship…they stick!

Couple of the week

K and J

“You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em” -

Joe has put Katy through the ringer. He acts like a child in their relationship in many ways, which was his coping mechanism as a kid to deal with the emotional trauma he experienced being abandoned and neglected by his parents. This leaves Katy in charge of too much, but part of her emotional trauma is having had emotionally immature parents and having to take care of herself and younger siblings by be the only adult in the room. So, she’s used to this, desensitized and numbed to it if you will. Its old hat for her. Its familiar. And he is used to being a kid. These two were a perfect fit- they could either heal each other, or they could retraumatize each other. Unfortunately, they had been doing the latter. But because she numbs her feelings, hyper focuses on the needs of others, rationalizes her anger, self attacks and overcompensates as a way of avoiding the pain of being the only responsible adult in the room, she has no idea what she feels, that she feels or what she needs from her partner. Hell, she has no idea she has a right to anything! She only feels her feelings when it is too late. This is how she presented in our last session. She is now despondent and almost zombie like in our session. This is the dynamic between this couple. Because he is very used to pushing the envelope in a very childlike rebellious manner and she is used to taking on too much selflessly, without caring for herself, it is a perfect karmic storm.

In the past, she has taken a lot from him. And taken and taken and taken. He seems to have no idea when “one more thing” is too much. Just like a child who has no sense of reaching his parents’ limits, he continues to up the ante and double down on his selfish and immature behaviour, oblivious to how much and how often he is pushing his partner past her limit. His most recent indiscretion was secretly communicating with a very attractive woman on Instagram behind K’s back. They came into the most recent session, and she had a deadness in her eyes that worried me. But still, unaware that he had pushed her over her limit, he continued to push back and dig his heels in over her most basic request of him, that he post a picture of K on Instagram for all to know they were a couple. It would make her feel more secure, she claimed. A small ask in the grand scheme of things. This need was definite progress on her part. I thought it was a very fair request and was shocked when he pushed back on it. I mean, how much more could this poor woman take?? He didn’t seem to get the memo that he had pushed her too far and that it was the right time to fold ‘em. His luck had finally run out with her. He couldn’t sense nor understand the concept of empathizing with another person’s feelings and limits. Or that someone would even have limits. Very narcissistic and self absorbed, just like a kid. No one else exists except me. Although on the surface he benefitted greatly from this arrangement, deep inside he felt guilty and secretly yearned to be an adult in the relationship, if only she would collude with him and demand that of him. He secretly felt like a failure and a child, and he was also tired of this shallow and unfulfilling role. He was a father to a two-year-old for crying out loud! The healthy part of him knew he wasn’t doing right by his family. He was shortchanging himself and his family. This was a healthy realization and progress on his part! The healthy part of him was finally showing up!

I don’t usually take sides, but in this case, I did. I told him that I was worried that she had been pushed too far in the relationship and that her Instagram request was fair and appropriate and that in relationships sometimes, you must compromise and put the other person’s needs first, even when you may not feel like it. This is what being a mature adult and partner means.

I helped him get in touch with his guilt and shame and helped her get in touch with her attachment needs. They both agreed that the “ego states” that they were replicating from their family of origin (her in Parent and him in Child) was not serving them anymore and destroying their trust and growth potential. The more she overcompensated, the more he undercompensated. As they both got in touch with their feelings and longings for more intimacy, we realized that he needed to come up to “Adult” ego state from “Child” and she needed to come down from “Parent” to “Adult” ego state. That is where intimacy happens, not when one partner is in Parent and the other in Child. As we made this awareness conscious and verbal, they both agreed to do their parts. She to do less and him to do more. He felt prouder of himself and more adult and she felt less exhausted and resentful. The “repetition compulsion” energy that ruled their interactions began to fade into the background, replaced with more experimentation with healthier roles. Let’s see how it goes. One day at a time….