Intention and behaviour- two very different things.

My husband often confuses his behaviour with his intentions, thus making ownership of his hurtful behaviour hard for him to do. I also see it happening with the couples I counsel. Here’s a good example of it. I have asked him over and again not to leave his boots in the entrance way, because every time they’re there and I come into the house, I trip over them. Ok, so sometimes he remembers and sometimes he forgets, fair enough. But when he does forget to remove them and I trip over them and I feel frustrated with his behaviour of leaving his boots there, he’ll inevitably say something like, “Sorry, but I didn’t mean to leave them there, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

I know he didn’t do it on purpose! Is he a sociopath? A masochist? No! He just has big feet. Of course he would never do anything purposeful to hurt me! This is settled science. But when he can’t give me a clean apology without the “yes butting”, it really makes it feel like defensiveness to me, which I don’t like! I understand that if you see your behaviour and your intention as the same thing, you’d want to defend your intentions, but then it won’t land on your partner as you owning your hurtful behaviour.

So, the solution is to deal with them separately. For instance, what I really want him to say is, “Yes, I own that I left my boots in the entrance, and you tripped over them and for that, I am sorry.” Yes! That feels good! At that point, if he is concerned about being misunderstood as a malicious person, he can easily say, “I just want you to know that it’s never my intention to forget.” Perfect! I got what I need, which is a clean apology, and he got what he needs, which is for me not to misunderstand what’s in his heart. Win win! That’s the way to do it folks. Two different sentences, without the awful, “yes but” that so often comes between partners.